


Neighbours

by armlessphelan



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2017-01-25
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:51:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9457997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armlessphelan/pseuds/armlessphelan
Summary: When you want to say everything, but all you can manage is goodbye.





	

"I'm sorry." I don't feel it. As much as I want to, I don't feel it. I feel everything else: I feel everything but remorse. I mostly feel guilt for what I didn't do. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing, and my eyes flit back and forth from his eyes to his lips as I await his response.

"What for?" His tone is soft. Concerned. He knows I'm in pain, but he doesn't know why. Deep down, in a part of himself that he buried and I unwittingly unearthed, he knows. He knows I'm not apologizing to him. I'm apologizing to her. She's not even here and I'm apologizing for what hasn't happened.

I have to force my eyes away from him. My shoe scrapes the concrete as I take a step back. I breathe in the exhaust fumes from a car passing by and try not to cough because I know it could very lead to a sob. It takes everything I have to not break down again. Because I know that if I do, he's right there. He wants to be there. He has told me time and again that he's there if I need him. And that's the problem:

I need him.

"I wish I knew." The lie is a bitter one and leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I wish I were faster. I wish I were in better shape. I wish I could just run away and never look back. But it wouldn't work. I could run until the soles wore off my shoes and my heart exploded out of my chest, but he'd be right behind me. He'd catch me before I even made it a block.

It's not fair. I've tried so hard, I've fought so long, and it means nothing. He's still there. He knows it and he's proud of it. The man thinks he's the greatest friend I've ever had but he's not. I wish he were. But he's not my friend. He can't be. You don't look at a friend the way he looks at me. You don't look at a friend the way I catch myself looking at him. And she knows it: she sees it all but says nothing. I've tried so hard to be the good guy, but to her I'm the villain. And she's not wrong. I've ruined her by just existing.

But she says nothing. She's not even here, yet I can hear her silence. That deafening, heart-breaking silence.

"You're not making any sense," he tells me. But I know he knows better. He knows exactly what I'm saying. He wouldn't be standing outside in his pyjamas in 20 degree weather if he didn't know. He wouldn't be holding his hand out but not touching me if he didn't know. "What's going on with you?"

I don't turn away from him. If I turn my back to him, he might touch me. Then I might break. I've not broken yet. I can't break in front of him. But he's not touching me because he knows. He's never said it to anyone. I've never said it to him. Others know. Others who have my confidence. He used to be one of them, before I knew. But now I know and so does he but nobody is saying it. Once someone says it, it's real. And once it's real it's inescapable.

"I'm leaving," I croak. "That's what I meant earlier. I know we had plans, but I'm moving. And I'm sorry."

"You're leaving?" He grabs my shoulders and it's freezing out but his hands are so warm. I focus on the cold so I don't melt. "When? Why?"

I shake my hair out of my face and look off at the overcast sky and I search the grey clouds for the answer I'd rehearsed but forgotten. I bite my lip and curse my silence because I know the first tears have fallen. Tears say so much more than words.

"There was a job offer. I couldn't turn it down. My flight leaves later tomorrow. Movers are packing my things right now. I just had to come see you. To tell you in person." Again, I lie. There's no plane and no job. There's a bus ticket for this afternoon and a friend's couch.

"That's all? Why didn't you just say so? You had me scared! Congratulations!" He pulls me into a hug and I return it with everything I have. Just for a little while, just for a few moments, she isn't in the back of my mind. It's just his arms around me and then he lets me go. I almost ask him to make me stay. But I don't because I know he would. He's a terrible liar and his well wishes just now were just that. But he can't read me the way I read him. He knows but doesn't realize. I don't have that. I used to, but I don't. She never did.

"Thanks. I needed a change of scenery, too. It's all so boring here. It's safe and dull around the edges." Again, I lie. It is dull around the edges and boring, but it's not safe. Every damn day I lose a piece of myself. I barely know who I am anymore. I'm a shadow of myself and everyone knows but him. He just sees the act I put on. Cool, confident, collected, and in control. He thinks I'm unflappable. Unsinkable.

He doesn't know that my showers are done after five minutes and I spend the other ten sitting under the spray trying not to cry. He doesn't know that I struggle to sleep at night because the other half of my bed is empty even when other men share it for a night. He doesn't know that he makes me happier than anyone else ever has.

He doesn't know, but she does. And neither one of us is going to tell him. After all, it's not our job to assemble the pieces for him. 

"You're going to keep in touch, right?" His voice doesn't break. I wish it would. I wish he'd crack even a little bit so I'm not alone, but he doesn't. Because he doesn't know. He doesn't know I feel the same way he does. He doesn't know that I would do anything to be his, and that the only thing stopping me is my love for her. "I mean, it's not like you're gonna live right next door anymore."

I nod even though I have no intention of keeping the promise. He's not why I'm leaving, but maybe being away from him will help us. All three of us. She's the only real victim in all of this. She's the one who had to stand perfectly still while we stumbled around in the darkness, bumping into everything that she saw with perfect clarity.

"Well, I need to get back over there. I told the movers I wouldn't be long." Another lie. I'm not bringing anything with me. I don't need reminders, just a clean slate. There's no point in telling him that the truck is taking everything to a donation center.

"Wait," he says, holding open his arms. "I work tomorrow, so just in case I miss you, can I get a goodbye hug now?"

And this one is nothing like the one that came before it. I'm not a reluctant participant. I squeeze him as tightly as my arms will allow and he just chuckles as he holds me. And we don't let go. It's the last time we'll ever see each other, and I can tell by the way he's holding me now that he knows. He's always known. And he wants to hold me until I miss my bus or my plane and I have to stay and I just keep my arms wrapped around his torso as the tears roll down my face.

"I should get going then," I say quietly. I unhook my hands first. A few seconds later, he follows suit. "I'll miss you."

He doesn't say anything as he steps away. The cold of the wind replaces the warmth of his body and I turn my head before I have to see his face.

We all know. We know and I'm the villain because I get to leave and they don't. All I can do is hope they both forgive me someday.


End file.
